OK. So, I have moved flats in 2 weeks, from signing to now laying here in bed in my new home and I can tell you something, moving is stressful and for me a test of faith and friendship.
I think I have always been a nervous character, it was always manageable because surprisingly I'm so laid back but I have to be honest the older I am getting the more debilitating anxiety has been in my life. This has been down to (my own analasys) economical pressure. Socialogical change, and poor decision making.
I find myself at 50 a bit of an emotional wreck really. (in my opinion, of which the standards were set by an incredibly tough mum).
So when 2 weeks ago Swansea City Council gave me the opportunity to move but I had to do it immediately I knew it was a good decision locality wise also health and hygiene wise and also it put me and my kids or more so my grandkids with a little more distance between the poor buggars with heroine addiction who's block I was sharing. All in all it had to happen. The problem being that mentally I am a bit broken due to just life and I knew this would either make me or break me.
There is a verse in the bible which says perfect love casts out fear. I have thought about this verse for nearly 12 years and it has always seemed like the perfect solution to all my troubles yet I never understood how to make that verse a reality in my life. So I started having a meltdown,, when I say a meltdown I mean my brain refuses to process information I become vacant and can't make decisions, it's coupled with raging anxiety from the first breath in the morning to the last sigh at night, it's not the sort of thing you can self talk yourself out of completely so I started thinking about perfect love. I have a problem when it comes to people loving me, I just can't feel it. So, anyway I started thinking. I can't do this but I'm doing it. I motioned my thoughts toward where I felt God's ear was, I can't do this God, I had no other strength to hang on to my fear so I just thought I will see what God will do!
So firstly Paul my wonderful partner and I mean that in all seriousness snapped into action and just carried me for the first few days organising and pointing in the right direction and planning, I could see that it was weighing on him by this point because I was still in a complete state of mash potato brain so I had a glass of wine one evening and just sat with my head and something just snapped into action. I thought shit!!! I've got to get moving! It's just as well because Paul had to start taking some new medication he had been prescribed and it was heavy on his head, his motivation and energy levels plummeted, it was hard to watch, it is hard to watch. So I started in my own muddled way gathering and sorting and packing and phoning and changing addresses, oh and by the way my eldest son decides he is not coming with me and I am tempted to go into a panic as he has no plans!, just that he is not coming!. So first he was going to squat in the empty flat and was going to demand the council rehouse him as effectively they have made him homeless by offering us a smaller property which he isn't officially meant to share with me and my younger son. What a nightmare so all that was going on too.
My head on the brink, Paul's head on the brink Joshes head on the brink and Ollie even more quiet than usual but I could feel his disapproval of the sudden change, he didn't want to move back to West cross anyway!!
Back to my point I gave up trying in my own strength,, in a few days I could see that things were coming together naturally or to me super naturally as I truly believe that all good things come from above. I think God is good and all good things are birthed through him. So I started to relax and just watch how God would help.
After signing for the flat on the Monday, Tuesday night in Zacs zoom meeting Sean Stillman offered help with some men and a van from the Rough Edges one of Zacs places charity arm into the community. I was a little hesitant to accept the offer because if I can do things with out troubling a soul in life I will, but I soon realised that this help being offered was actually a huge part of the stress I was carrying so I messaged Sean to say yes please.
Thank you God.
Then the housing officer for West Cross who told me he alone upports 600 tenants! Seemed busy and stressed himself so after not being able to alleviate my moving stress questions with him, I phoned Karen from Sketty housing who was like an Angel,, literally, she replied to my emails texts and phone calls, she returned calls and was clear empathetic calm and helpful, so that alleviated my panic about benefit changes and the now growing rent arrears as I'm now paying for two flats till the other one is emptied cleaned and the keys are handed in all on my overdraft😬😬
Thank you God.
Paul then managed to paint through the entire flat, woodwork and all in three days, working to his usual standard of perfection and unbelieveable energy.
The day before I was due to move Josh informed me he was going to come with us to the new property so I didn't have to worry about him for a bit.
Thank you God
Friday morning Chris, Howard and Keiran turn up with the rough edges van and with Paul they literally shunt the contents of my flat to the new location up a flight of hideously narrow stairs, and no matter how difficult it was there were still laughs and fags and coffee,, marvellous.
Thank you God.
And last but not least, Liz from Zacs made a beautiful Victoria sponge and delivered it herself which was lovely because I haven't seen her in person for an absolute age,, her smiling eyes behind her mask were a welcome sight amongst the men, Oh and by the way that big cake was our tea as I didn't have any food in the house to make a meal.
Thank you God
So now I am here, still got lots to sort out but the back of it, is broken. And I feel frazzled but loved by God, and my fear, well I can only describe it like when your helping your child to do something and they cling on to you and they are still scared but that hand you offer them gives them that little extra courage to complete the task.
Thank you God